Invade the Dark
by Ahoy-Cinderella
Summary: AU / MULTI-CHAP / circa season one / what happens when Brian Cassidy gets some devastating news that turns his world upside down?
1. Chapter 1

_**Okay, so I have two new multi-chap fic ideas and I started this one first.**_  
_**I have know idea why.**_  
_**I hope you all like it.  
Any characters you recognise from the show I obviously don't own.**_

_**anyway, on with this one!**_  
_**(The title may change at some point, I'm not too sure about it.)**_

_**lyrics: near life experience - lifehouse**_

* * *

_Make this go away, I'm begging please- _  
_there's little life left here for me to bleed. _  
_Is this where I end, or is this where we begin? _

.

A few quick kisses, a swipe of his tongue across her collarbone and the soft press of his lips burnt to the spot on her lower neck along with a few harsh thrusts of his perfect toned hips and she's gone. Finally! He had spent the better part of three hours teasing her to the edge or insanity before falling back and leaving her hanging. Her body pushed hard against his as he laid his own quaking frame on top of hers, breath on breath, skin on skin, his fingers intertwined with hers, their arms pushed high above her head. Her nails dug hard into the back of his hands, his name falling from her mouth over and over again. They can spend hours teasing each other or quick minutes grabbing at each other, desperate for an orgasm.

It's never more than that.

To Olivia all this is a friends-with-benefits situation. They get together, they fuck and they go home. She fights with her over-active mind on a daily basis, he had suggested dating, only the once. She had immediately shot him down and said no, maybe a little too quickly. More and more she had been thinking about them, maybe suggesting they give it a shot but she couldn't deal with the guys at work, what would they say, what would Elliot say if he found out she was dating Cassidy? The stares, the jokes, she wasn't prepared to deal with that. Not that there was anything wrong with Brian, he was a sweet guy, she loved that she had gotten to know him better. She just wasn't prepared to sacrifice her career and her reputation just yet.

Olivia climbed from the bed, grabbing her underwear from the end of the bed and her bra from the floor, hastily shoving them back on, she felt him reach over and gently touch her hand.

"Hey…" He called softly, his voice barely above a whisper "Stay the night."

She shook her head and smiled "No, I can't…"

"Please, just tonight…" He sat up in the bed, his back against the dark-wood headboard "I won't ask again, ever again" He smiled, his eyes giving away the fake smile.

Olivia looked around, glancing at the clock indicating the early hour of the morning, her heart dropped when he started talking again.

"Or at least till I fall asleep? I've had a shitty week Liv, I honestly can't bear to watch you walk out that door again, not tonight." He mumbled sadly, little did Olivia know just how bad that week was. He shook his head and grabbed his boxers and her shirt from the floor, pulling his boxers back on he stood up from the bed.

"Forget I just said that" He laughed and handed her the shirt.

"Cassidy…"

"Don't. I'll see you tomorrow at work right?" He asked, unable to tell her he was leaving the squad. He could barely bring himself to register the news, never in his wildest imaginations did he imagined something like this would happen to him.

"Come on" She called quietly, grabbing his hand and dragging him back to bed. She pulled of her grey trousers and climbed in beside him, lying on her side.

Never had they been like this, usually it was drinks, sex and then one of them walking out. Brian had never expressed the want for her to stay, not like this.

"You look tired" She said quietly, her fingers traced the dark lines of his face, he looked exhausted. His eyes were dark, his face sunken in, had he lost weight? She hadn't paid much attention lately but lying here with him, the pale moonlight casting a faint glow over their bodies through the crack in the drapes, she noticed it all.

He smiled "You wear me out."

"There's something else." She pressed, he wasn't exactly an open book but with her he seemed freer than ever before, he had told her stories of his past, things he wouldn't tell anyone else. She felt a little guilty for not doing the same but he said he understood why.

He shook his head, his fingers tracing the sensitive skin of her upper arm making her shiver "No there isn't." He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, she felt her heart pound a little harder and her throat dry up at the feel of it; it was so romantic, just that one tiny kiss sent sparks throughout her body and he didn't even know. "Get some sleep."

She just nodded and closed her eyes.

.

Olivia felt guilty as hell as she crept around the dark bedroom, the sun barely rising in the sky. She had slept about an hour and a half before waking up and realising she wasn't in her own bed and that she had actually fallen asleep beside Brian Cassidy. They had never done it before, it wasn't a usual occurrence and she cussed herself and engraved it into her brain that it would never happen again.

She didn't want a relationship; she didn't want feelings and emotions of that calibre towards another person. She had convinced herself that she didn't need or want a lasting relationship with anyone, work came first.

She tip-toed out of the bedroom without a backwards glance, unaware that Brian was awake and heard her leave, again, he rolled his eyes and cussed himself for actually hoping that she might stay just one night, their last night together, maybe if she knew that it was the last time they would be like that she would have stayed. His mind was on over-drive, there was so much he had to do. Only Cragen knew of his situation, they had spoken about it at length just last week and had come to the conclusion that the best thing for him would be to take leave. He didn't want to, he didn't want any of this to happen but he had no choice, it was happening, to him he had never felt more alone in his life yet there was nothing he could do about it, he just had to deal with it.

.

Walking back to her desk she watched him practically stumble with exhaustion into the squad room. His eyes bleary, his body practically failing him as he almost fell into his chair. Olivia watched him drag his hands over his face and through his hair, she had left him only hours ago and he looked as if he'd been in a fight with a car, just without the bruises.

"You okay Cassidy?" She called over, taking a quick sip of her burning coffee

"Yeah, fine" He mumbled back, pulling a stack of paperwork out of his top drawer and grabbing a pen from Munch's desk.

She watched as he read and re-read papers and DD5's, trying to catch up on past cases like the rest of them. He seemed lost; his stare would wander from the stacks of paper in front of him to the windows to his computer screen. She wanted to ask, she wanted to walk over and put her arms around him, ask if everything was okay and what was bothering him. She wanted to take his pain away; the guilt ate at her with fury as she watched him cautiously walk towards Cragen's office.

.

"How are you today?" Cragen walked around to perch himself on the front of his desk.

"Fine…" Brian watched as his boss threw him a questioning look "Tired." He admitted. "Didn't sleep much last night"

"You should take the rest of the day; you can clear your stuff out if you want, while no-one's here?"

"Sounds good" He gave his boss a smile. He couldn't bear the conversations with the rest of the squad, the why's of his departure, where was he off to now? He just didn't want to face it, he wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep for a year.

"You know I'm here, we all are, whenever you need anything, just call. We take care of our own" Cragen smiled, trying to offer some comfort to the younger man sitting nervously in front of him, he was about to embark on the toughest adventure of his life and Cragen felt over-whelming guilt that he couldn't do anything, not one single thing about it.

"I know" Brian stood from the chair and held out his hand "Thanks Cap" He smiled and shook his Captains hand.

"Keep me updated, let me know what's happening, good or bad news, I wanna know." He followed Cassidy to the door "I'll check in with you, make sure you're alright"

"I'll be fine" He walked back to his desk and pulled open the drawers, the cardboard box sitting on his desk chair glaring at him, reminding him of the evil and heartache he was about to face. He didn't want to leave; he didn't want to have to put his career on hold when it was just getting started.

.

"What's going on?" He whipped round a little too fast that caused his head to spin, his heart thudding hard in his chest at the small voice questioning him. He watched Olivia's brow furrow as she watched him emptying his locker, his few personal belongings being flung into the brown box.

"I'm out." He admitted, hoping she wouldn't question him too much.

"What…why? What happened?" She came to his side, her arm gently cupping his arm, her eyes filled with concern.

"Nothing, just…this I guess. I'm not good with the vics, it's just too much." He lied, unable to tell her the truth. He didn't want her concern, her guilt, he knew she would try and help but he didn't need it, he needed to leave, figure this out for himself.

"You're great with the victims, Bri." She told him honestly, she had been in interviews with him before, he was kind, patient and he knew just how to handle a victim and a perp.

He scoffed and smiled at her "Okay" He threw a mug into the box at his side

"You are."

"It's not just that, I just…it's just too much sometimes." He spoke honestly. "Maybe I'll be better suited somewhere else." He told her.

"Well…" She started, her voice breaking slightly, her eyes felt wet and her heart tugged at the thought of not seeing him every day. "Good luck with everything" She smiled "I'll…We'll all miss you."

.

"Cassidy's left?" Olivia stood leaning against the door frame of Cragen's office at the end of the day.

"He has" Cragen watched the fleeting emotions across her face, he hadn't admitted it but he knew something was going on with her and Brian, maybe not to everyone else but to him, it was obvious.

"He didn't say anything, to any of us…" She walked in at stood behind one of the chairs, her hands clenched on the back.

"It's not an easy thing to tell people Liv, he didn't even want to tell me, I had to force it out of him"

"Not everyone can handle SVU, it's not easy…we wouldn't have thought any less of him"

Cragen looked at her confused "What…what are you talking about?" He asked, his arms perched on his desk.

"Cassidy, leaving because he couldn't handle the vics, or he thought he can't. He can, I've seen it with my own…"

"Liv…"

Olivia caught Cragen's eye, something was bothering him, he looked confused and worried. _Why is everyone keeping things from me!?_ She thought to herself.

"He didn't…that's not why he left."

"He just told me when he was packing up his…"

"Liv…"

"Cap, what the hell is going on?" She stood angrily.

"Liv, Brian's sick."

Her heart dropped to the floor, she was pretty sure her mouth was hanging open. Her body went numb and she gripped the chair harder convinced she would fall to the floor if she didn't. She could hear her heart screaming in her ears and her mouth felt as if it was stuffed with cotton wool.

"What…what are you talking about?"

"He's on leave from the force…He's sick, Liv. His doctors recommended he take leave rather as trying to work while he's on treatments. The risk of infection and stuff…it's just not worth risking his health over."

"Treatments…what…I don't..." She felt the tears filling her eyes; she was so in shock couldn't even form a full sentence.

"Liv…Brian has cancer."

* * *

**_any thoughts? _**  
**_let me know if you want more!_**


	2. Chapter 2

_When you've given into your fear_  
_When you've lost your will to fight_  
_Let me know that I can do_  
_Let me try to make it right_  
_And I will shine the light_

_._

Brian stirred from his flat out position on his couch rubbing the exhaustion from his face he grabbed his buzzing cell phone from the table

"Cassidy…" He answered dully, trying to stifle a yawn with his hand

"It's me, let me in"

"Liv…"

"Let me in, Brian"

"I'm not in the mood, Liv"

"I'm not here for that" She said quietly "Never mind, I'm in…" He faintly heard the entrance door slam behind her before she cut him off.

He didn't want to face her, not now. He quickly tidied the coffee table, getting rid of all pamphlets and advice sheets about the how's and what to expect of cancer, treatments and the side effects of the treatments. He gathered them all and threw them into the drawer of the table quickly slamming it shut before taking a quick glance around the room making sure any other signs were out of sight. He stumbled to the door upon hearing the elevator ding in the hallway, he pulled back the door and watched her approach his apartment.

"Hey" He smiled, gesturing her into his place

"Hi…" She walked in and took a look around, for the first time she was here without the expectation of sex. She stood nervously in his living room, trying to calm herself to took a few deep breaths as he fiddled around in the kitchen, she didn't want to give it away that she knew about his illness. She wanted to hear it from him.

"So, how's it going?" He handed her a mug of coffee which she gratefully accepted. Her hands wrapping tight around the mug as she sat herself down on the plush brown leather armchair at the end of the coffee table.

"Not bad, I just wanted to see what was up with you" She asked quickly "You know after the whole leaving SVU" It had been three days since he left and she had felt guilty and terrified ever since.

"I'm good. I wasn't sure I wanted to leave and then everything just kinda hit me, I realised I couldn't handle it anymore, I needed a change"

"Did it have anything to do with me?" She questioned him; he could hear the hesitation in her voice "With us?" She knew he left because of his cancer, but in the back of her mind she couldn't help but wonder if he wasn't sick, would he still have left because of her.

"No"

"You're sure?" She watched his face change; he got that same look a few nights ago when he asked her to stay the night. Like he had so much more to say, like he wanted to confide all of his secrets and trust her with the deepest parts of his heart and soul.

"I'm sure" He said quietly, quickly scoffing to cover the emotion, she could hear the feeling in his voice; it was the same on their last night together.

Olivia sat on the edge of the chair, the mug now resting gently on her knees still cradled between her hands. She watched as Brian stared off into space, his mind obviously on other things. She wanted nothing more than to walk over and pull him close, tell him everything was going to be okay and she would be with him every step of the way. She couldn't deny the feelings she had for him, she didn't want them but she had them anyway. Her heart would beat faster at the mention of his name, every time he touched her she would go numb, her mind would go blank and she would surrender her soul to him without him even having to ask. But she didn't. She had her guard up 24/7 around him, and everyone, afraid of anyone breaking down the walls she had spent years expertly building around herself. She couldn't help but wonder what would happen if she let him in, if they could have a life together and now everything had changed.

He was sick. Cancer invaded his body, this foreign being had taken over his life and ruined any chance they had at a normal relationship. She knew the last thing he would want was sympathy but she couldn't help but get emotional thinking about it, thinking about how no matter how hard he fought, she might wake up one morning and he would no longer be alive, his soul having been stolen from the world in the dead of night by a being no one could control. She would never see him again, never hear his deep, guttural laugh, be at the mercy of his boyish charm or feel his breath against her skin.

Olivia felt the panic set in and the tears fill her eyes and tried to shake it off, he hadn't yet noticed so she tried hard to keep the conversation normal.

"So where are the placing you now?" She asked, taking a gulp of the hot coffee to clear her throat

"Hmm, no idea, just waiting to hear from them" He said, sitting back against the couch, he closed his eyes and folded his hands in his lap.

"Cassidy…"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you really leave SVU?" She asked, her voice quiet, silently praying he would tell her the truth.

"I told you"

"No you didn't, not the real reason" She said quietly, giving him a knowing look, then he did something she never expected.

"I'm in love with you."

Her heart fell to the floor, splattering every ounce of emotion she had ever felt all over his apartment, her eyes widened and filled with hot unforgiving tears.

"I am so in love with you it aches. I couldn't bear to walk into that squad room every single day and see you, talk to you, laugh with you and come home and sleep with you knowing that you didn't feel the same. I should've been like any normal guy and just used you, you were offering it to me as I was to you but we clearly had different meanings behind our intentions. And I couldn't keep doing it anymore so I thought fuck it, let's quit and I'll hopefully never have to see her again." He spoke, hoping that if he terrified her enough with his feelings for her she would leave him alone. He knew she wasn't looking for a serious relationship, he knew he would always just be a quick fuck to her and if she thought he felt more she would run.

Olivia felt sick. She gripped her mug tighter unaware of how to deal with all of this. She wasn't even sure he was being honest, he never spoke so uncaring before. Maybe he was just saying this to keep himself from having to admit he had cancer, maybe all of this was lies.

"Brian…"

"You happy now?" He growled staring at her. He looked angry, beyond angry.

"Are you telling me this because you mean it or because you don't want to tell me you have cancer?" She questioned him, her voice quiet.

He sat silent in his place, his eyes widened and glazed over "Get out" He stood and thumped his mug down hard on the table, the now luke-warm contents spilling over the sides. He walked over and pulled back the door glaring at her still sitting form.

"Get out, Olivia. I didn't ask you to come here"

"You can't go through this alone" She said softly, walking towards him

"I don't want your pity. You didn't want me when I wasn't sick; don't expect me to believe you want me now."

"Brian please…"

"Don't even" He raged. "Just leave Olivia, I don't want you here."

"Brian…" She cautiously placed her hand on his toned arm

"I'm going to die!" He shouted "I am going to die. As in my heart will stop beating and I will never take another breath in this lifetime. I am going to die soon Olivia and there's not a damn fucking thing you can do about it, so please just leave me alone."

"Please don't say that…" Olivia couldn't help but let the tears fall, the last thing she wanted was to never see him again

"I don't want you around me." He gripped her arms with his hands "Seeing you hurts me more than the fact I'm going to die. You are worse for me than any cancer god could have given me. I don't want your pity, I don't want your sympathy and I don't want you." He growled furiously, she could see the tears in his livid eyes "Get out and don't come back"

She watched his arms shake as he held her away from him, she gently lifted her hands and held his wrists, she tried to ignore his words and not take them to heart, she knew he was scared and angry.

"Bri…" She carefully pulled away from his grip and slowly placed her hands on either side of his face, she watched as his anger faded to fear and the tears slowly streamed from his light, terrified eyes.

"I'm going to die" He muttered, his eyes never leaving hers

"No, you aren't…"

"Liv, I'm going to die" He whispered, his voice shaking like a scared child.

Olivia threw her arms around his neck and pulled him into a fierce hug "No. You are not going to die." She told him strongly as he crumbled into her arms.

Brian sobbed hard in her arms, his own strong arms wrapping tight around her waist, his head falling to her shoulder. She held on tight as he fell apart, there was no way she was leaving him. She reached behind her and pushed the door closed, slowly pulling back from him, she lifted his head and ran her hands through his soft dark hair.

"You are going to be okay." She stressed, pulling him with her to his couch, collapsing with him onto the cool leather.

.

"I don't want to die" He admitted.

The couple lay on the sofa; Olivia lay flat on her back, her arms around Brian's shoulders, hands running through his hair, her nails gently scraping against his scalp trying to keep him calm. He lay mostly on top of her and she welcomed the weight, she had always loved the feel of him on top of her, his body mingling with hers. He head lay on her chest; she could feel his sharp breaths against her collarbone as his hand lay softly against her ribs.

"You're not going to die, you're going to fight this thing" She told him adamantly.

"What if I can't?"

"Then I'll help you." She said "I'll be here, whenever you need anything. You can't do this alone; you need someone you can rely on"

"You're busy with work" He said quietly. "You already have thousands of victims who rely on you"

"But none of them are gonna be in my life for what I hope to be a very long time" She interrupted him, her hand reaching down to trace the rough stubble on his chin.

"No…" He pulled himself up from her but stopped when she grabbed his arms

"What?"

"No Liv, you couldn't even stay the night three days ago and now you want me for the rest of your life? Yeah right, I may be stupid but I'm not deluded."

"I never said you were."

"Don't do this to me." He whispered, his hands running over his tired face.

"I'm not doing anything Bri"

"You are completely fucking with me" His voice rising "You seriously expect me to believe that you didn't want me before and now you do? I'm damaged goods, hell I'm fucking dying Olivia"

She slapped him hard across the face "STOP SAYING THAT!" She shouted at him, her eyes once again brimming with tears.

"I am terrified" She admitted "I am terrified of having feelings beyond my control so it's easy when we don't admit stuff, keep it all locked away. It was easy for me to pretend I didn't want to be with you, I would leave, make you leave and it would be fine. And then I find out you have cancer." She sniffed, wiping the tears hastily from her face "I can't do anything about that. I can't make it better, I wish I could. I wish more than anything in the world that I could take this away from you but I can't, all I can do is try to help you through it and pray to a god I don't believe in to somehow make you better."

"Maybe this is a sign" He started, wiping his own tears from his face "Maybe we had our chance and blew it. Maybe this is god's way of punishing me for expecting more from you than you were willing to give?"

"You make it sound like we were some sordid affair." She whispered

"Could we ever have been anything more?" He smiled, trying to lighten the mood but failing.

"Oh god what if you die?" The sudden realisation hit Olivia like a ton of bricks. Her chest felt like the weight of the world was on her and she couldn't breathe, she felt her body hit full panic mode, her hands went numb and she couldn't bring herself to take a breath

"What if I never see you again? What if this is it? Oh my god please don't die." She pleaded, her hands running roughly through her own hair and down to cover her mouth "Promise me you won't leave me? Please. Brian I can't…what if we don't get a chance?"

"Hey, Liv…" He tried to reach for her but she jumped back, her body stumbling.

"God I'm so selfish…" She paced around the room "I'm so sorry, this is you having to deal with this, I'm just making it worse…"

"Liv…"

"Just please don't die." She begged "Promise me you'll fight this. I'll leave if you want me to, I'll…"

"Olivia, shut up." He interrupted her, like she did him just under an hour before and pulled her to him, her body crashing against his; he felt her light tears on his neck and soak into his shoulder through his dark NYPD t-shirt.

"I'm not leaving you" She whispered against his neck, her arms clutching him hard.

.

* * *

___**lyrics: shine the light - sugarland**_

_what do you guys think?_  
_should I keep going with this one?_

_I won't be able to update this (or any of my other stories) after Dec 5th as I'm off travelling in Australia for two months and don't think i'll be able to update while I'm away._  
_Hope you all have an amazing christmas (if you celebrate) and a brilliant new year and I'll try and get some writing done when I get back._

_Thank you for all of your amazing and continued support of my work, it means the world, you are all awesome._


	3. Chapter 3

_I know it's been forever since I've updated this but I hope you're all still interested.  
__I know it's a sad subject but please give it a chance!_

_thanks._

* * *

_I won't be sorry if you leave me girl  
Cause I'm the world's biggest fan of clichés  
I'll set you free then I'll love like I'm not  
Hurting in the world's worst ways_

_._

Brian awoke just as the movie credits were rolling over the large screen TV. He couldn't recall exactly when but both he and Olivia seemed to have passed out on his couch at some point during the movie. He lifted his head slightly just to see Olivia shift a little under him, her hand still resting on his head, her fingers laced into his hair.

Hours ago she had come into his apartment, demanding the truth as to why he left, unbeknownst to him, she already knew. He watched her as he spewed his rage and fears in her direction, her frame never shifting, always trying to comfort him. He watched her cry as she suddenly realised, all at once that he was sick, that this thing had invaded his being without permission, this dark matter had taking over his body with the power and means to destroy him. She pulled him close as they both cried for him, for this impossibly difficult journey he was about to embark on and she promised he would never be alone. No matter what happened between them in the past.

He leaned over her slender frame and pressed a kiss to her forehead before moving his weary body to a standing position and covering her with the warm throw blanket from the back of the couch, gazing at her peacefully sleeping self before stepping away. He slowly made his way into the kitchen and filled a glass of water before pulling himself tiredly onto a barstool. He sat with his head in his hands at two am thinking about the busy week ahead, doctor's appointments, scans, blood tests and every other kind of test he could think of.

Brian downed his water, wishing it was something stronger and pulled the information leaflets from the drawer in front of him, he had stacks of the things all over the apartment.

How to Deal With the News That You Have Cancer

Cancer and You

Treatment Information

How Cancer Affects You and Others around You

The list went on and on as he shuffled through the brightly coloured, almost animated leaflets, as if they were supposed to make the process any easier. He began looking through one, detailing the stages of grief and how he was supposed to be feeling at each stage after his diagnosis. He never noticed when Olivia stood in the doorway, her arms folded over her chest.

She watched as he ran his hand through his hair, flipping through page after page of this little coloured booklet that was telling him how to feel and act and how this process would work. She felt the tears prick her eyes once again when he sighed and sat back, his hands falling deftly into his lap.

"Hey" She said quietly making her way over to him.

"Hi" He pushed the leaflets away from her and turned to face her tired body, smiling when he saw the throw still wrapped around her.

Brian pulled her close to stand between his open legs. He wrapped his strong arms around her body as hers came around his neck, wrapping him up in the blanket.

"You should sleep" She told him quietly, kissing his cheek

"I can't"

"You should try" She insisted "Come on…" Olivia held his hands and pulled him from the stool, leading him from the kitchen into his dark bedroom, a place she had been many times before but never like this.

Brian climbed onto his bed, still in his sweatpants and t-shirt, watching as Olivia stripped off her own now uncomfortable slacks and shirt and grabbing one of his shirts from his drawers and pulling it over her head, snuggling into the soft material. She climbed into the bed beside him and lay on her back, staring at the ceiling.

"I know you can't sleep but you should try and rest a little" She held his hand, grateful when he shuffled his body down and mimicked her position.

"You shouldn't be here" He whispered in the pitch black room

"I want to be"

"I don't want you to be" He admitted "I don't want you to waste your time stuck here with me, you should go out and be with someone, find your Mr Right"

"I don't want to go out and find Mr Right" Olivia insisted "I want to be here, with you. So shut up and go to sleep"

.

"Are you telling me that if this happened to me, if it was me going through this hell, you wouldn't be by my side the entire time?"

"Don't even joke about that, Liv"

The sun was just rising in the sky over the frosty New York City skyline; neither of them had gotten much sleep throughout the night and had once again started arguing about Olivia's insistence of being by his side.

"Please stop fighting me on this" She pleaded

"I just don't want to burden you; you don't need this on your plate as well as everything else"

"You're not a burden, Bri, I want to be here, I want to be with you. You think you feel more for me than I do for you but you have no idea."

"No idea about what? Go on, tell me!"

"You mean more to me than you think" The words felt softly from Olivia's lips, she had tried to keep her feelings out of their 'relationship' not that a quick fuck every now and then was really a relationship but every time they met up her feelings grew stronger and she knew his did too. She just didn't want to admit it, she was a career woman, always had been, she knew what she wanted and where she wanted to be and didn't want a relationship getting in the way of those plans.

"Don't. Don't do this to me, I don't want your pity or your admission of having feelings for me if it's just so I can let you help me out."

"It's not like that Bri, please trust me."

Brian finally stopped pacing and sank his body down onto the couch, his hands covering his eyes. "I can't give you anything Liv, I have nothing"

"I don't want anything. I want you to get better…and I want breakfast, so get up and get dressed and you're gonna buy me some food after we stop by my place so I can get some clothes" She smiled, gently pushing his shoulder.

.

"What time's your appointment?" Olivia asked as she finished a mouthful of maple pancakes

Brian's mind was somewhere else, he gazed around the cosy little corner café watching couples and families and friends laughing and joking as they ate the most important meal of the day with their favourite people in their lives.

"Bri…" Olivia reached over and grasped his hand with hers.

"Yeah? Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Your appointment?"

"Right, eh, three thirty" He nodded and downed a mouthful of coffee, ignoring the ache it made in his empty stomach.

"Eat something" She insisted, nodding towards his plate "Don't make me spoon feed you" She joked, happy when she got a smile to spread across his face

They sat for another hour or so making small talk before Brian stood to pay the bill. Olivia shrugged on her winter coat and took a hold of his hand in her gloved one as they walked out the door onto the busy morning streets. They huddled close as the made their way through the crowds of people towards Central Park, taking a slow dander back to his apartment.

"Everything's gonna be okay you know?" Olivia told him, squeezing his hand in hers as they walked through the park

"You think?" He chuckled, shuffling his coat up to cover his now cold neck

"Yeah, I do."

"When did you become such an optimist detective Benson?"

"I honestly have no idea" They both laughed as they approached Brian's apartment.

.

"So, Brian, how have you been feeling since we last spoke?" Dr Walden, an older man with grey hair and wire frame glasses, his diplomas and certificates hung proudly on his office walls; pictures of his family littered his desk. He sat down in the large office chair behind his desk inviting both Brian and Olivia to sit opposite him.

"Eh, not too bad, tired mainly, achy, that sort of thing" Brian nervously explained, his left leg bouncing as his hands shook in his lap.

Olivia reached over and grabbed his hands pulling them into her lap; he turned for a second and gave a little smile before redirecting his attention back to his doctor.

"Well, we got the results of your blood tests. You have a type of Leukaemia we call Acute Myeloid Leukaemia also known as AML"

Brian felt his mind slowly shut off, everything went silent and the room went black. He could feel Olivia gently squeezing his hands but couldn't hear a word the doctor said. It was official, his cancer had a name.

Olivia watched Brian zone in and out as the doctor was cautiously trying to explain his condition to him, knowing he wasn't fully paying attention she took it upon herself to ask the questions she knew he was too afraid to ask

"What's the treatment for AML?" She asked; Brian turned to face her, silently thanking her for paying attention.

"Well, we want to get you started on chemotherapy as soon as possible, Brian. You're type of cancer, being acute, means it spreads relatively fast and we'd like to catch it in time before you turn what we'd class as high-risk"

"How long do I have before I become high-risk?" Brian asked his voice deep and gravely as he tried not to show too much emotion.

"Looking at these results, I'd say not long" The doctor replied with regret "Which is why we want to start you as soon as possible"

Olivia felt her heart slowly slip to somewhere near her feet, Brian was really sick. A week ago she had no idea, everything was normal and everyone was fine. Now everything would never be the same again.

"A full course of chemotherapy treatment lasts usually about six months" The aging man explained "We will also look into other treatments, blood transfusions, bone-marrow transplants, that kind of thing depending on how well your body takes to the chemo, if after a few months it seems to be working well, we'll keep you on track with that and if after a few months we're not seeing the results we'd hope to be seeing, then we'll look into other possibilities"

.

"Now, you've taken a break from work is that correct?"

"Eh yeah, I got medical leave"

"Okay, that's good. With the chemo the risk of infection is greatly increased so you'll have to be careful about who you're around and where you are, obviously try and stay away from places with greater risks, stay away from people you know who have infections, even the common cold can be dangerous" Dr Walden explained.

Brian still sat in a dazed state of confusion, he just wanted to go home and lie in bed for the next year, he didn't want to face this thing, he didn't want to face the fact that his own mortality was being questioned.

"Other side affects you may know already, nausea, vomiting, hair loss, general weakness that sort of thing. You're going to feel like hell, I'm not going to lie to you about it, Brian."

"I know" He nodded quietly "I don't have a choice though right?" He joked, trying to ease the tension

"We talked about this last time; it's completely your choice…"

Olivia glared between the doctor and Brian "You were thinking of not doing anything?" She asked, her heart pounding against her ribcage.

"Liv…"

"Are you kidding me!?" She pulled back and covered her mouth with her hands trying to contain herself, not wanting to make a scene in front of the doctor.

They sat in silence for a few minutes while they both composed themselves. Grabbing onto each other's hands again for support, they listened and answered as the doctor continued to ask questions.

"And finally, I need to ask this before you start the treatments, sorry if this is a little personal but because the chemo can stunt fertility, I have to ask if you are thinking about having children in the future?"

"I've got cancer doc, chances of me making it out of this thing alive are pretty slim, why would I want to bring a child into the world and not see it grow up?" Brian replied sadly. He did want kids, he had always wanted children but the thought of not being able to ever see his child grow up, take his or her first steps, first words, first birthday, first day of school, it was just a little too much to cope with.

"Brian, you know there is no definite statistic for survival rate. We can have you give us a specimen and have it frozen, and then when you decide it's time, the ability to have your own biological children is always there."

.

"Do you want kids?"

Olivia asked, her voice quiet as she lay along the couch in Brian's apartment, her head resting on his chest, her body curled between his and the back of the cushions. She ignored his sigh which meant he didn't want to talk about it but she didn't want him to miss out on the chance if it was something he truly wanted.

"You just brushed it off in the doctor's office…"

"No, I don't" He insisted, turning his attention back to the TV screen, trying to pay attention.

"Yes you do" She said, resting her chin on his chest she gazed up at him, watching him battle with his emotions.

"Not anymore I don't"

"Bri…"

"Liv, seriously…Leave it"

"No. You need to talk about this"

"Fine; Yes, I want kids. I want a house full of kids, I always have, but I don't want them if I'm going to die and miss everything, it's bad enough that I might die and never see you again…I can't even begin to imagine it. It feels like my lives over before it's even begun."

.

* * *

_any thoughts? continue or not?_

lyrics: change the world - finger eleven

_**twitter**: ahoycinderella_


	4. Chapter 4

_the last part of this is **M rated**_.  
_just to warn you if you don't like that stuff._

* * *

_Your eyes, they shine so bright_  
_I wanna save that light_  
_I can't escape this now_  
_Unless you show me how_

_._

"Hey"

"Hi…what are you doing here?" Brian opened the door wide to let her in

"You have a doctor's appointment"

"Liv, I'm going to wank into a cup, it's not a two person job" He smirked

Olivia turned to him with a glare "Do you have to be so crude?"

"You used to like when I was crude" He grinned

Olivia smirked in his direction, shrugging off her jacket and throwing it onto the breakfast bar. She waltzed back over and stood in front of him, her arms around his waist. She tilted her head slightly and gazed up at him, his tired eyes, the three day stubble on his face, she could see he wasn't himself, he was going through hell inside and all she wanted to do was at least try and make him feel even a little bit better.

"You didn't sleep last night…" She stated quietly, her left hand reaching to cup his cheek, her thumb gently tracing the dark skin just under his eye.

"I don't sleep any night" He chuckled, kissing her forehead.

"Bri…" She groaned "Do I have to move in here to make sure you actually sleep?" She questioned "Because you know I will"

"Detective Benson…" He grinned "If you wanted to live with me all you have to do is ask"

"Maybe I should…"

Brian chuckled and shook his head, making his way into the kitchen to start some coffee; he knew Olivia was being serious. She had stayed over the night after his last doctor's appointment three days ago and he forced her to stay at her own place after that, not wanting to impose on her life. She continued to work as normal, calling him every moment she could to check up on him and make sure he was feeling okay; it was her way of letting him know she was there, whenever he needed anything.

"Liv…"

"Look, you're gonna be feeling like hell after the chemo, the doctor said so and maybe if I stayed here then it would be easier to take care of you…"

"I don't want you to take care of me! I can look after myself!"

"Look, you stubborn son of a bitch…" She growled as she stood face to face with him, toe to toe in the middle of his kitchen "I am not going anywhere. You hear me? I am not leaving you to go through this alone. I cannot imagine what is going through your head right now, what you're feeling, what you're thinking, your fears, your anxieties, honestly, I have no clue. But I am not leaving you deal with all of that plus your treatments alone. So you can accept that I am here, for anything and everything you need or you can fight me every day about it and lose."

She grabbed a hold of his hands "I'm not letting you do this alone."

.

"What did you tell Cragen?" He asked as they sat on his couch, he lay on his back, his head in her lap at her insistence, hoping he could nap a little bit before his appointment.

"He knows I'm with you…" She replied softly, her fingers gently running through his thick dark hair, carefully massaging his scalp.

"_With_ me?"

"Yes, _with_ you" She admitted "I told him the truth about us, he said whenever you need me I just have to let him know and he'll try and work something out. Today's a slow day, Munch and Fin are catching, El and I were stuck doing paperwork and he let me leave early…"

Brian glanced at the clock on the DVD player in the corner of the room which showed it was a little after one. _A little too early_ he thought to himself "Look, I don't want you skipping out on work just to check up on me, if this puts your career in jeopardy…"

"Are you kidding me? Cassidy, shut up. Cragen is worried as hell about you, everyone is. He's just glad you have me looking out for you, he was worried you'd try and go through this alone." She gently grabbed his hair and chuckled "Stop worrying about everyone else, you need to focus on you now."

"Sorry, it's just hard…"

"I know; I know it is but please, just let us worry now okay? You have to focus on getting better…" Olivia pleaded, her fingers softly running across the stubble that coated his chin and cheeks and then carefully over his lips. She grinned when he pursed his lips and kissed the tip of her finger.

"So this is it…you and me?" He asked, gazing up at her with his sparkling hazel eyes.

"Against the world babe"

.

"You ready to go?" Olivia asked

She watched him from her perch as she sat on the kitchen counter. He hesitantly made his way from his bedroom, freshly dressed after a hot shower, his jeans perfectly fitted around his solid hips, grey t-shirt hung over his chiselled chest. He just nodded solemnly and walked over to her, his hands running up her thighs and around her waist.

"As I'll ever be"

"It's okay, this one isn't gonna be so bad" She smiled, her arms resting around his neck.

"Yep, blood work and then I get to do it in a cup" He scoffed with a grin

"It'll be worth it" She whispered, she knew she was the reason he was doing this. Freezing his sperm was something he had decided against in the beginning, he had convinced himself that death was imminent and he didn't want to have a child and not see it grow up. She had been the one to convince him to talk about it, talk about his hopes for the future and give him something to focus on for when he got better. He had been adamant against it, until she questioned what would happen when he did get better, when he finally had that chance to have a child of his own and he couldn't.

"Thank you" He told her quietly "For convincing me that this is the right thing"

"It's your decision, Bri. You don't have to…"

"I know, but if I do get better…"

"When" She sternly interrupted, hating when he constantly thought of the negative.

"_When_ I get better…" He repeated and rolled his eyes and smiled "Then we've got an option"

"You want kids with me?" She smiled against his shoulder, her cheeks burning red.

"Well, I wouldn't want them with anyone else"

.

"That was fast…" Olivia smirked as she closed the magazine she was reading while waiting for him to finish his 'business'

"Of course it was, I thought of you the whole time" He grinned and winked at her, not caring who in the waiting room heard him.

Olivia felt her cheeks burning red as she stood to meet him with a kiss "You seriously need to stop talking like that"

"Why, you like it?" He smirked, quickly kissing her neck.

"You know I do" She smirked back, walking ahead of him as they left the building, her hips swaying a little extra just for him. She felt a ray of happiness filter through her at the sight and sound of his laughter, for the first time since his diagnosis he looked happy, even if it was just for a moment

"Hey…" He chased after her and grabbed her hand, spinning her around in the middle of the busy street "Come out with me tonight…"

"What?"

"To dinner, come out with me…"

"Like a date?" Olivia grinned

"Yeah, like a date" He shrugged his shoulders, taking a hold of her hands and bringing them to his mouth, softly kissing her knuckles.

"Look, this isn't gonna be easy on either of us." He stated "You've made it pretty obvious that you're not leaving and you're gonna help me through this and I don't know how to thank you…"

"Just get better, that's all the thanks I need"

"We both know it's not that simple" Brian sighed, pulling her body close to his

"Come Monday, we're gonna be stepping through the gates of hell and on one of our three last nights of freedom I wanna take the most beautiful girl in the world out on a date…" He smiled wide "What do ya say?"

"Yes" Olivia grinned and replied without any hesitation. She pressed her lips to his, sighing as he slipped his hands into her hair, deepening the kiss a little before some passing teenagers decided to start whistling and hollering in their direction, inadvertently reminding them they were standing in the middle of the street.

"So, I'm gonna drop you off at home, you relax, take your time to get ready and I'll get you at seven thirty?"

"Sure, what should I wear?" She asked as they made their way towards his car

"Whatever you want"

"Yeah but how fancy are we talking here?" She turned to him as they sat in the car, her eyes wide with excitement

"Well, I'm not taking you to McDonalds if that's what you wondering"

.

Olivia paced around her bedroom in her underwear, chosen especially for him of course as she tried to figure out what the hell she was going to wear on this date Brian was taking her on. Sure they had been out together before but that was just drinks and sex. This was different.

This was an actual date.

She pulled dresses and skirts and fancy tops out of her closet. Blues and reds and blacks flying everywhere as she threw her outfits onto the bed, holding each one up and checking herself in the mirror before huffing and throwing it away. She reached over and grabbed a red dress she had bought months ago and never had the chance to wear, she slipped it on over her lacy underwear and stood in front of the mirror and smiled, this was the one.

It was fitted, hugging her every curve, stopping just above the knee flashing just a teasing amount of thigh and cut into a v neck at her chest showing a classy amount of cleavage and scooped low at her back.

She shouted for him to come in when she heard the knock at the door, double checking her look in the mirror, admiring her dark smoky make-up and her wavy hair pinned low at her neck, a few curls falling around her face. She grabbed her nude heels and black leather jacket and met Brian in the living room.

"Holy….wow"

"Oh close your mouth, you'll catch flies" She laughed as she pulled her heels on.

"No seriously Liv, you look…" He chuckled and held his hands out, completely lost for words.

"Thank you, you look good" She smiled, taking in the sight of him in a suit. "Really good" She leaned forward and kissed him, her eyes pulling away for a second when she noticed a bunch of flowers sitting on the counter.

"Are those for me?" She gave him a surprised look unable to think of the last time a man bought her flowers.

"Yeah, I didn't know what you liked so I just…"

"I love them Brian" She exclaimed "Thank you!" She picked up the bouquet of red and white lilies "They're beautiful…"

After putting the flowers in water she marched back over to where Brian stood and pulled him in for a kiss, smiling when her wrapped his arms tight around her body. "Thank you"

"You're welcome"

"How are you feeling?" She asked as she pulled her leather jacket over her shoulders

"Fine"

"Bri…"

"Please Liv, can we not talk about it tonight, please." He held his hand out for hers, pulling her close once more. "Let's just forget about it, just for a little while."

.

"Thank you for tonight…" Olivia whispered quietly in the back of the cab, leaning into Brian as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders "I had a lot of fun"

"Me too" He grinned "You're a great dancer"

"I can't believe I got you to dance with me" She laughed, her hand resting on his thigh.

Brian took a deep breath and kissed her head, unable to believe how incredible this woman in his arms really was. "I'd do anything for you, Liv"

They rode the rest of the cab ride in almost silence, both promising to not mention Brian's illness tonight, not wanting to ruin the evening but when it was quiet, it was all they could think about. As they pulled up at Brian's apartment, he quickly paid the driver and held Olivia's hand as the entered his building. In the elevator he stood against the back wall and pulled her to him, her back resting against his chest, he wrapped his arms around her hips and rested his chin on her shoulder.

"You really do look beautiful tonight, Liv"

She grinned and reached up behind her to touch his cheek "Thank you, you look very handsome"

.

"Oh god…" Olivia threw her head back against the wall; Brian's rough hands ran under her dress softly teasing her sensitive skin. He pushed her dress up and grabbed the back of her thighs and lifted her up against the wall, her legs wrapping around his waist.

She pulled at his shirt, grabbing him by the collar, pulling his mouth to hers teasing his tongue with her own. She moaned as he pushed his hips into hers, his length pressing against her lace covered centre.

Brian grinned and placed her feet back on the floor, his hands reaching to lace into the strands of hair that fell from its up-do. She gripped his waist, pulling his body flush against hers, their lips tangled together in a mesh of lust and heartache.

He slowly started walking towards the bedroom, blindly guiding Olivia as she stumbled backwards in her high heels, her dress still bunched around her thighs.

"I could kiss you all day" She muttered against his mouth

"Hmm, please do"

"Okay" Her hands grabbed his neck as she pushed her tongue back into his mouth, moaning as his hands slid down her body and grabbed her ass, lifting her onto the bed.

"You make this dress so sexy but it really has to come off now"

"Hmm…I agree" Olivia sat up and pulled him onto the bed, flipping him over so he lay flat on his back and she straddled his hips. She grinned and pulled the straps down, teasing him as she ran her hands over her chest all the while pulling the fitted red material down her tanned, slender body.

She slipped back and stood on the floor, swaying her hips slightly as the red material fell from her frame leaving her standing in front of him in her lacy black underwear and nude heels.

"Oh Jesus…" Brian groaned as he sat up, pulling his own shirt from his body and throwing it to the floor beside her dress.

.

"Baby, oh god yes…" Olivia moaned as her body betrayed her and arched hard off the bed, her hands gripping onto the sheets practically tearing them from the mattress.

Brian grinned, lifting his head only for a second to watch her tumble over the edge, her mouth wide open as she groaned his name over and over again like a mantra. Her gorgeous body glistening as she shook through her second orgasm of the night. If this was the last time they could ever be like this, he was going to treat her right.

His fingers kept moving inside her as he climbed back up her trembling body. He leaned over her and grinned as she opened her eyes wide as another orgasm hit her with force

"Fucking hell! Oh god, oh…." Her nails tore at his skin as her juices dripped from her centre onto his hand.

"Come on baby, that's so sexy…" Brian growled in her ear, his lips moving south to gently bite the soft skin of her neck.

He moaned as her orgasm faded, she slipped her hand to his still sensitive length; he was ready to explode again after she already gave him the greatest blow job of his life. He backed his hips away as she wrapped her hand around him.

"You do that baby and this is all gonna be over very soon"

"I don't care, I just want you" She replied honestly, her hands running through his hair and pulling his lips back to hers.

.

Brian groaned as Olivia screamed out loud as she reached her peak once more, his hips thrusting hard against hers, her body bucked under him as her legs trembled hard around his waist. He grabbed her hands and laced their fingers together, lifting them up over her head as he pushed hard against her and felt his own release being pulled from his body. They lay moaning and lazily thrusting against each other, their lips meeting in a passionate battle.

He released her hands when he felt her struggle against him, he pulled back fearing he'd hurt her in some way or overstepped his bounds but fell back onto her when she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his naked body flush against hers chest to chest. He lay with his weight on his elbows at either side of her head.

He shook his head when he gazed at her and noticed the tears shining like diamonds in her eyes. He pressed his lips to hers, capturing her bottom lip with his teeth and gently pulling before getting lost with her once more and in a passionate wonderland.

"This is it, Bri…"

"You and me baby…" He replied, kissing her forehead.

She whispered against his soft skin "Against the world…"

* * *

_any thoughts? _  
_please let me know by leaving a review down below!_

_lyrics: demons - imagine dragons_

_if you want you can follow me on twitter: ahoycinderella_


	5. Chapter 5

_sorry if there's any mistakes. I've been hassled by like everyone to update something so here you go._

* * *

_I'll be there for you_  
_These five words I swear to you_  
_When you breathe I want to be the air for you_  
_I'll be there for you_

.

"Hmm, good morning" Olivia grinned into the soft pillow beneath her head as she felt his arms tighten around her naked stomach.

"Morning" He mumbled back, a mouth full of her skin as he kissed and nipped across the back of her neck and shoulders.

She lifted her head slightly and blinked at the stream of light that bled into the otherwise darkened room from underneath the curtains, she noticed the two glasses of half-drunk wine still sitting on the bedside table, his shirt, that she had worn on top of her underwear last night in her idea of a perfected drunk strip tease still lay half on and off the bed.

She reached for the shirt and lifted it in the air "You should put that back on and dance it off again" Brian chuckled against her back.

"Hmm, maybe" She laughed, she turned over in his arms, the shirt still balled up in her hands.

"How are you this morning?" She ran her fingers over his mouth and his forehead.

"Fine" He replied and kissed her fingers

"Don't lie to me" She whispered, her face turning serious. Today was Sunday. Tomorrow was his first round of chemotherapy, tomorrow was the first day of months of hell that was about to fall upon not only him but the both of them.

"I'm fine, a little tired but other than that, I'm fine. I woke up to you lying next to me, how could I not be okay with that?" He smirked and cheekily kissed her lips, taking her by surprise. She grinned and kissed him hard on the mouth before pulling back.

"Lazy day today?"

He nodded in reply "Please" He laughed "You've worn me out these last two days"

Their date on Friday night had been the most perfect evening for the couple, dinner, drinks eventually Olivia had convinced Brian to dance with her at a little jazz bar they had ventured into on their way home from the restaurant. He had never been one for dancing but he couldn't get the thought of he might never get this opportunity again; he might never get to hold her in his arms and sway around to the beautiful music that flowed around the room. If this thing was to defeat him he wanted to make sure he treated her right while he still had the chance, that meant if she wanted to dance, then he would dance with her.

Saturday had been spent wandering around the city acting like tourists which having grown up in the heart of New York City is something neither of them had really done. They walked around for hours until finally retreating to the comfort of Brian's apartment with a couple of bottles of wine. The night ended with Olivia being a little more than tipsy and giving Brian a striptease that ended in hours of passionate sex on the couch, in the shower and eventually in the bed.

"It's been a good weekend" Olivia smiled

"Best weekend of my life" He replied as he kissed her forehead "You want coffee?" Brian began to roll away from her until she pulled his arm

"Not yet" She pulled him back to lay beside her "Lay with me a little while?" She asked quietly

He noticed the almost scared look in her eyes "Of course" He lay back down and pulled her body to his, her legs lay tangled in his, her head on his chest as her fingers gently tapped their way up and down his chest. Brian laced his fingers into her hair and sighed.

Olivia couldn't stop her mind from racing; her heart began pounding in her chest. She hated not knowing how things were going to turn out. She hated that as she lay here, in his bed, wrapped in his arms, Brian had this thing inside of him, running through his veins, in his blood, attacking his body. The cancer was slowly killing him and she had no idea what to do.

Brian noticed her breathing deepen, he heard her sigh and he felt a slight wetness against his chest as a few tears fell from her eyes. "It's okay" He whispered, his fingers gently massaging her scalp "It's gonna be okay"

She nodded against his chest, quickly wiping away her tears, trying like hell to stop crying and be strong, the last thing he needed was her falling apart. But she couldn't help it, the more she tried to stop the harder she cried until she flying let go and sobbed in his arms.

Brian sat up and leaned back against the mahogany headboard, he pulled her body over and she sat in his lap, her arms reached under his and clung to his shoulders. He wrapped his arms around her body and held her close continually whispering in her ear.

"It's okay babe" He whispered and kissed the side of her head

"I know" She replied, the tears clogging up in her throat "I'm sorry"

"Don't be sorry" He squeezed her tight "You have nothing to be sorry for"

"I shouldn't be falling apart like this"

"It's okay, it's natural. You can't be a superhero all the time" He chuckled when she lightly giggled against his chest

.

"So what happens today?" Olivia asked as she climbed to sit on the kitchen counter took a bite of her toast.

"Not much, get everything ready for tomorrow I guess" Brian shrugged and looked around as he gulped a mouthful of water. "I have to avoid alcohol, coffee, spicy foods, basically anything that could irritate me or cause me to throw up everywhere" He chuckled

"God this is really happening"

"Don't remind me"

"Sorry" Olivia gave him a sympathetic smile and reached for him.

Brian placed his now empty glass into the sink and walked into her outstretched arms. He pressed a soft kiss to her lips before leaning into her embrace. They stayed like that for a few minutes before Olivia pushed him back by the shoulders

"Come on…" She jumped down from the counter and grabbed his hand "We'll get your stuff sorted for tomorrow and then watch movies and lie on the couch all day"

.

"Hey…what is it?" Olivia sat up quickly, trying to shake the sleepiness from her head as she awoke in the middle of the night to find Brian sitting on the end of the bed, his shirt off and him leaning forward, his head almost between his knees.

She shot out of bed and through to the kitchen and fetched him a glass of water before racing back through and slowly sitting him upright

"Here, take a few sips" She handed him the glass and pressed her hand to his head, he had a slight fever.

"I feel like shit" He moaned

"I know" She kissed the top of his head and kneeled down in front of him taking the glass from his now shaky hands.

"Just breathe deep" She encouraged "Like this…" She started taking a few deep breaths, she placed her hand in between his and he gripped it tight.

"I haven't even had the chemo yet" He chuckled

"I know, it's okay, the doctor said this was normal sometimes" His doctor had explained that nausea and hot-flushes were common among cancer sufferers even before their treatments had begun.

He continued his deep breathing as Olivia made her way into the bathroom; she ran a washcloth under the cold tap and rinsed it out. She took a quick glance at herself in the mirror and sighed, this was only the beginning.

She rushed back to his side and carefully placed the cool cloth on the back of his neck, she ran her hand through his hair as he shivered slightly.

"Sorry about this" He remarked quietly.

"Don't be stupid, you can't help it" She replied

"Yeah but you shouldn't have to deal with it" He groaned as he tried to stand, he stumbled slightly as the dizziness took over.

"Bri, shut up. I'm not getting into this with you again"

"Whatever"

He crawled back into the bed and lay down on his side. Olivia stood and watched as he struggled with the bed sheets, trying to kick them away from him.

She settled back to down on her own side, she lay on her back, her head turned to face him, she watched as he took a few more deep breaths and covered his face with the now slightly warm cloth.

"Thank you" She smiled as she heard him whisper his gratitude in the dead of night

"You're welcome" She reached over and touched his back

.

"Okay so if you fill out these forms for us just now, I'll get the nurse to come and take your temperature and some blood from you, we need to check your blood count and things before we get you started so we know exactly what medication to give you" The doctor smiled at the obviously nervous couple.

Olivia sat with her hands clutched in her lap as she took in the doctor's words. They had been told today would be a long day due to it being Brian's first time getting chemotherapy, there were tests and forms and more tests that had to be carried out the day of the procedure before he could even receive the medication. Her legs shook due to her nerves, she watched as Brian began filling in the novel length list of forms, medical history and insurance.

"This is a pain in the ass" He joked

"I'll bet" She smiled

They both looked around the small office, plain walls, plain desk, plain plastic chairs; everything was plain, dull and lifeless.

"Not the best décor for trying to cheer up dying people is it?"

"Since when have you cared about décor?" She laughed and bumped his shoulder.

They were interrupted by a small knock on the door. "Hello? Hi" A cheery older woman walked in with a sterile tray.

"I'm Angela, I'll be your nurse for today, and I'm guessing Dr Cooper told you I'll be taking your blood…" The couple nodded and Brian handed the forms over to Olivia.

After almost an hour Brian had been weighed, measured, pricked with needles and all sorts before he could finally sit back down and finish his list of forms.

.

"So this is the treatment room, you won't always be the only one in here but you are for the moment. We also have private ones available if you'd prefer?"

"No, this'll be fine…" Brian looked around, 8 reclining chairs in total, IV drips by their sides and a big TV at the far end of the room.

"And I'll tell you now but I think you'll have already been told this but due to the high risk of infections etc you can only have one adult present with you during your round of chemo. Children under the age of twelve aren't allowed in so if you have kids…"

"We don't have kids" Olivia interrupted, really not wanting to start that conversation

"Okay, if you wanna get seated, I'll go set up your medication"

Brian stood frozen in the middle of the room, this is where he'd spend his days getting better, and this is where his fate would be determined.

"Bri…babe" Olivia gently touched his arm

"I'm fine"

"Okay" She whispered and stepped back, watching as he slowly glanced around the room.

.

"So you'll be here until this bag is empty" The nurse explained as she began hooking up his IV. "I'm gonna give you this shot, its Zofran, it's an anti-sickness medication, it'll help with the nausea." She said as she quickly jabbed the needle into his arm.

Angela expertly set up the IV and got Brian all hooked up in a matter of minutes "Okay, so this should take a couple of hours, I'd say about three, maybe four so you have stuff to keep you entertained?"

"Yeah that's what she's here for" Brian joked as Olivia jabbed his thigh

"Okay good" The nurse smiled at the pair "I'll be back to check on you in about half an hour, just push this buzzer if you have an questions or you need anything at all" She pointed to the red button on the side of Brian's chair.

The couple watched her leave before turning back to each other

"So this is it" Brian glanced down at the needle that had been taped into his arm. Olivia glanced around the otherwise empty room and then back at him, she grabbed his free hand and brought it to her lips, kissing his knuckles.

"Yeah, this is it"

.

"Brian, how are you feeling?" Dr Cooper entered the room after around two hours to check up on his patient

"Erm, I'm not entirely sure yet"

"That's normal, sometimes you don't feel the full affect until you actually stand up to leave" The doctor explained, he pulled up a chair and sat at the opposite from Olivia.

"I wanted to talk to you about your blood results" The older man began "This dose of chemo we're giving you is a very high dose, because of your type of cancer we have to eliminate as much of the leukaemia cells as possible in this first round just to stop it from developing any faster."

Olivia knew Brian was feeling a little fuzzy so she tried to take in as much information as possible to explain to him later, she listened to the doctor intently.

"We're gonna have you come back in every day this week for the same round of chemo and hopefully get rid of as many of the cells as possible this first week so the next few session don't have to be as intense."

"How will you know if it's working?" Olivia asked

"After the first week of chemo we'll take another sample of bone marrow" Brian groaned and shook his head a little, the first time he had bone marrow taken was bad enough, they had done it two days after he had been called back to the doctor and given the results that he definitely had cancer and had another sample taken just before starting the chemo.

"We can compare the samples from before and after the chemo to see how well it's working."

"And if it's not working?"

"Then we'll continue this intense version of treatment for another week and see what happens. The thing with this type of chemo is it destroys most of the normal bone marrow as well as the cancer cells causing very low blood counts in most patients which when that happens you'll more than likely be admitted to the hospital until it gets sorted" Dr Cooper continued to explain, he watched as Olivia began taking notes, making sure she was taking in all the information she had to

"I can give you some leaflets to take away with you, on how this specific type of chemo works and affects the patient, if that will help you at all?"

"That would be great, thank you. I'm new to all of this, I have no idea what I'm doing" She chuckled nervously

"You're not the only one" Brian remarked from his chair, fatigue beginning to settle in

.

"Hey Dr Cooper" Olivia approached the older man as he stood at the reception desk filling out some paper work

"Olivia, is everything alright?"

"Yeah, he's doing fine, I think he's tired but he won't admit it, he's too stubborn for that" She chuckled "I was just wondering, you said the treatments are gonna be a week long, is there any way he can have them at home rather than here? I know this place gets him all anxious and I was just wondering if it was possible"

"The induction sessions, which are this week's session, and perhaps the next one depending on his results will have to be done here, just because it's the first and we don't know how he'll react to the drugs. If all goes well and he doesn't need any treatment changes we can talk about having a home nurse come to your home and administer the medication to him there. But for now, he'll have to come here"

Olivia nodded "Okay, thank you very much"

.

"Hey, can I go home yet?" Brian smiled from his chair

"Not yet, you've still not finished" She pointed at the IV bag which was still a little under a quarter full.

"Hmm, I'm bored"

"I know." She smiled "I spoke to the doctor, after this session and maybe the next you might be able to get this done at home, so you don't have to come here every time"

"How would that work? Get a nurse out to the apartment?"

"Basically yeah"

"I can't believe I have to do this every day" He groaned.

"You're gonna be the worst patient ever aren't you?" She chuckled and held his hand

"Hell yeah baby, I'm gonna bitch about this every minute of every day until it's over" He laughed

"Well, it's just a week. He said five to ten days but they're gonna give you a week and see how you do. Then it's three to four weeks off, again, depending on the results…"

"That's when the fun starts right? The weeks off?" Brian interrupted

"Oh yeah, you're gonna feel like hell"

"Bring on the party"

"Hey, you'll get through this" Olivia smiled, trying to fill his head with positivity.

.

"I called Cragen, told him what was happening, how today went, he's given me next week off, so I can be home with you when the effects really kick in" Olivia explained as Brian walked slowly back from the bathroom and sat beside her on the couch.

"I'm still gonna drive you to and from appointments but I can't be there the whole time"

"I know" He pulled her hand to his mouth and kissed her soft skin "I'm just glad you're here at all"

"I've got time saved, I'm gonna schedule it for when you're home after treatments so I can be here whenever you need me. I mean during the treatments will be okay, you'll be there while I'm at work and I'll come and see you when I can and then I'll pick you up when we're both finished and then come home. I mean, it's busy and crazy but we'll work something out"

"Just take it day by day" Brian sighed as he leaned back against the couch, his fatigue from the busy day finally setting in.

Olivia nodded and ushered him up and through to bed, once they had both settled and whispered quiet goodnights she lay on her back, staring at the ceiling, stealing occasional glances in his direction, listening to the calming sound of his sleepy breathing.

"Day by day" She whispered to herself. "Just take it day by day"

.

* * *

_thoughts? continue? no?_

_lyrics: I'll be there for you - bon jovi_

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


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